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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23244652">I'm sorry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZwitterZwitter/pseuds/ZwitterZwitter'>ZwitterZwitter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rammstein</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Other, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide by Hanging</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:10:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23244652</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZwitterZwitter/pseuds/ZwitterZwitter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the disaster recording Mutter was, the conflicts with his bandmates while touring, infinite problems with his wife and an annoying cocaine addiction Richard decides to end it all. This attempt takes a turn when little Khira Li finds him with a noose around his neck</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning: graphic depictions of suicide by hanging. Read at your own risk.</p><p>I dont own any of these people, please see them only as characters while reading this story as it is merely for entertainment purposes. I do not intend to change anybody's view of their real self.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richard put the cigarette in his lips and inhaled enjoying the taste and feeling it provided him for as long as he could do so. He moved his hand, holding the smoking item between his fingers up and observed it consume itself for a second. His last cigarette.</p><p>A tight feeling was torturing him, as if someone had taken a hold of him and was squeezing every last drop of happiness out of his existence.</p><p>He'd been thinking about it for days now, maybe even weeks, he had considered every scenario and method, and he'd come to terms this was his best choice.</p><p>He heard Khira's voice in the distance, most likely talking to Till. It broke his heart knowing it was most likely the last time he'd hear her voice. His sweet baby girl. She would forgive him one day. She would hopefully understand why this had to be done and would not hate him for it. He was sorry she had to go through this, but it would make her stronger.</p><p><em>Stronger than me…</em> he thought</p><p>He was not leaving her alone. He knew Till would always be there for her, and maybe Paul, and Oli, and Flake, maybe even Schneider forgave him and would support her and be there when she needed them the most. Especially after today. They had gone through so much together he was hopeful they would forgive him for being the horrible being he was and keep an eye on his daughter for him. If only this didn't have to happen…</p><p>He couldn't keep going like this. Not all the money, fame, drugs, or people in the world would make him happy anymore. His life was a mess. His wife hated him. His band was at the verge of breaking up. And it had all been his fault. The only people who didn't hate him were in the house with him, and he would be doing them a favor by disappearing.</p><p>He was tired. It was time.</p><p>Just as the withdrawal symptoms of the cocaine he last snorted started to kick in he crushed the butt of the cigarette under his boot and made his way back inside the visitor's room through the sliding door of the balcony, he looked around taking in his surroundings.</p><p>Everything was ready. The noose was in place, and the letter he wrote laid carefully on the bed with the teddy bear he'd bought for his daughter just for this special occasion. He wanted her to keep it, and know he would always be with her no matter what happened. He loved her more than his own life, and she would be able to be happier without him… just like everybody else.</p><p>He passed his fingers on the rope, feeling its texture, its dryness, and he tugged lightly to make sure it would hold. The noose was perfect, of course it would work. He could almost say he felt proud of the job he did on it.</p><p>He moved the chair in the corner just below the noose and climbed on it, positioning the rope around his neck, making it as tight as it could go and felt his hands shaking. He closed his eyes, focused on himself for a little longer. He felt anxiety rushing along his blood to the very last nerve in his body</p><p>He became aware of every single part of him, even felt his legs and feet tingle as blood flowed through them. His hands were shaking, the hands that had created so much, had now tied the perfect noose to end it all. He felt his ribcage expand and contract with his last breaths, and his heart anxiously beating as if begging him not to do it, strong enough to offer so many more years of life and emotion. But he was tired of it all. All that emotion had been the reason he was standing with a noose around his neck in the first place.<br/>
It would be the last time he'd feel all of those sensations within him, and his eyes filled with tears.</p><p><em>It'll all be over soon…</em> he reminded himself</p><p>He let out a deep breath and kicked the chair from under his feet. There was no going back now. He felt his body weight pull down and the rope tighten on his neck, a choked grunt was all that was heard in the room.</p><p>The tears that had previously formed in his eyes escaped, rolling down his cheeks as he felt a hot sting growing from his lungs, to his heart, up to his neck, his face, and finally his head. It started burning and he instinctively gasped for air without success. That's when he heard the sound of the door opening between the wild beating of his heart in his ears. He opened his eyes and saw her.</p><p><em>Khira</em>…</p><p>His little girl. His love. His everything. She was standing by the door in shock, all the color drained from her already pale skin as she watched him die, and his paternal instincts kicked in, filling the last coherent part of his mind along with the heaviest regret he'd ever felt. He didn't want to die in front of her. She didn't deserve to watch him die like that. She deserved to grow with a father and it was his responsibility to ensure so. Sudden realization hit him that in fact, he wanted to be there for her. Alive.</p><p>He wanted to scream, but only a horrifying growl came from within his chest. He watched Khira scream and run back out of the room crying for Till. Richard panicked, kicking in search of a place to put his feet in order to push himself up and clawed at the rope desperately as his body strained to get air into it, but there was nothing. He clawed at the rope again and again. He clawed until the skin on his neck hurt and his fingers felt sticky with blood.</p><p>Then his arms felt heavy, all energy was drained from him. His legs stopped responding, his anguished kicking turned into light twitches. Too weak. Too pathetic. His vision blurred, gradually darkening. The burning fire in his chest slowly being replaced by freezing cold needles that went all the way from his toes to his head, and with the last of his energy he wrapped his fingers around the rope not wanting to give up yet, clutching at it hopelessly while his other arm went limp with the rest of his body and he continued lightly swinging from side to side, feeling consciousness leaving him. He didn't even notice Till rushing into the room in his aid, or heard his voice when he called "You stupid fuck, what did you do?!" While he cut the rope as fast as he possibly could using a hunting knife.</p><p>The next thing Richard felt was a painful landing on the cold floor, and a pair of big hands, as carefully as desperation allowed, removing the rope from his bloody neck. Immediately his lungs sucked in as much air as they could hold and he started coughing uncontrollably.<br/>
He heard Khira cry out and Till trying to soothe her cries "Give him some space, sweetheart. He'll be ok, he just needs to breathe"</p><p>Richard couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he could barely focus on taking in air and all the sensations that came back to his limbs in painful stings. All he did was lay on the floor wheezing and coughing until he felt strong enough to open his eyes. The foggy image of his daughter crying hopelessly in his best friends arms slowly became brighter and clearer and it made more tears run down his face.</p><p>Till sighed in relief when he saw Richard looking up at them, his breathing shaky and short, but he was breathing nonetheless. Then he harshly whispered his daughter's name, weakly extending his hand to her.<br/>
"Papa!" She cried launching herself at him and he held her as best as he could manage, watching Till's eyes on him.<br/>
The singer didn't say a word yet, but he surely would once Khira left his side. It had been a long time since he'd seen Till in such state, but he also saw something he hadn't seen in his eyes for even a longer time. Fear.</p><p>A long talk with Till awaited him, he knew it would be an emotional rollercoaster. He'd probably be sent into a rehab clinic, and maybe have years of therapy to come, but he didnt care. He owed Till everything at that moment and was willing to do anything to make it right.</p>
<hr/><p>After a while Richard was finally breathing normally. He felt exhausted as he laid on the bed with little Khira curled on his side sleeping. Her hand holding a tight grip on his shirt as if afraid he'd go anywhere. Till returned with a glass of water and set it on the nightstand next to a mirror with the remains of a line of coke before sitting by his feet of the bed. "I need it" Richard said seeing Till's judgemental look on the cocaine</p><p>"I know." He simply replied. There was a bit of an awkward silence as he observed the younger man's injuries that in all honesty looked nasty, even after he had helped him clean the blood off the scratches and applied some antiseptic on them. "Paul and Oli are on their way. They'll drive you to the hospital just to make sure you're alright. I know you seem to be ok, but I want to be a hundred percent sure."</p><p>"I understand." Richard slowly nodded before momentarily stopping the movement as he hissed in pain. If Paul and Oli knew, it was likely Christoph and Flake were aware of the situation as well. Maybe even his wife knew already. He felt even more ashamed at the thought. He was unsure they'd let him leave the hospital without checking into rehab and seeing a therapist, but by this point all he really wanted was to stop the tears that still threatened to leave his eyes. When the pain subsided, he set his hand on his daughter's head to pass his fingers through her hair carefully. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. The memory of her panic hurting the guitarist more than the actual pain of the dark bruise and deep scratches on his neck.</p><p>"I'll keep an eye on her." Till said watching how careful and loving Richard was being with the girl's hair.</p><p>A corner of his mouth curled up into a sad smile at his friends comment. He knew he would. "I really can't thank you enough"</p><p>"What were you thinking, Reesh?" Till's voice had a sad tone to it. It was unusual.</p><p>"I dont know.. but if.. if it hadn't been for you..." Richard muttered, finally looking up at him, his voice rough and completely different than what it normally was. Till, his best friend, his brother, had rushed to his help without even thinking, and he was more than grateful for it. He had no words or way to describe it.</p><p>He didnt need to finish the sentence when the singer got closer to them before engulfing him in an emotional hug careful to not hurt Richard even more or crush little Khira between them "Promise me you'll never do that again"</p><p>Richard couldnt control the tears anymore after feeling Till's arms around him. He was in pain, but he still nodded his head hugging Till back, his weak voice breaking as he cried "I'm sorry, Till. I am so sorry."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading! Comments and suggestions are always welcome.<br/>Please tell me if there is any mistake anywhere and I'll fix it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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